orange drink... alan's faviourite bill hicks quotes

I am a huge Bill Hicks fan. For anyone who doesn't know who he was, then I suggest you look at his official site: www.billhicks.com

Or even better, just buy his CDs!

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smoking...

I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks, my biggest fear, if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong. How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the fuck off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready? Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight...

People'll say the stupidest things sometimes too, "Hey, man, if you quit smoking you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you-I don't want my fucking sense of smell back. (Sniffs) Is that urine? (Sniffs) I think I smell a dead guy! Honey, look, a dead guy! Covered in urine, check this out! Someone just pee'd on this guy, that's fresh. Just think, if I'd been smoking I never would have found him! A urine-covered dead fella, what're the odds? Thank God I quit smoking, now I can enjoy the wonders of New York, honey, look!

I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes. Cigarettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one day. I tried to run, they had more energy than I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing. Many of them smelled me. (Sniffing sounds) "There he is, get him!" (Pants) "Oh, he's hardly fucking moving, this is pathetic!" (Pants) "Look, he's still trying to get away, he's like a roach, step on him!" (Pants) "Squash him!" "Let's kill him and pee on him. Yeah!"

drugs...

How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy. Don't you think? Anybody think that? Just once, to hear a positive LSD story. "Today, a young man on acid, realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves... here's Tom with the weather."

Your denial is beneath you and thanks to the use of hallucenogenic drugs, I see through you.

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (starts blinking)

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie. When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well, you just realise, it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

religion...

A lot of Christians where crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a little sniper rifle pendant. "Hey Jackie, just thinking of John."

You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say, "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

sex...

Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs? See a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight... "Answer him, honey, go ahead. Let's hear how you feel about this right now." A woman one night yelled out, "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said, yeah. Almost broke my back. It's that one vertebrae, I swear to God, it's that close. I think that vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory and a fervent prayer. Yeah, now all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child." That may be true, but guys, yyyyyou know what I'm talking about. I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight, guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

I am available for children's parties, by the way. Some of y'all might have a young'un coming of age, and not want to go the traditional, clown/balloon animal route this year, you might want to look me up - "Beezlebozo." Clown from hell. "Hi, kids, it's Beezlebozo time! Tell me something, who here out of you young'uns has never smoked a cigarette? C'mere, kids!" (kissing noises) "What's your name?" (little boy voice) "Tommy." "Tommy, how old are you?" "Five." "Five years old, and you mean to tell Beezlebozo you're not smoking cigarettes yet? C'mere, Tommy!" (kissing noises, hacking) "Hold it in." "Mommy!" "Nope, it's Beezlebozo time. "Tell me something, who here out of you young'uns has never watched a skin flick? C'mere, kids! See them, them's titties!" "Mommy!" "That is your mommy. It's Beezlebozo time." Clown from hell...

america...

I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year, after the show I went to a Waffle House, I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me, "Tch tch tch tch. Hey, what you readin' for?" Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for. Well, godammit, you stumped me. Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one, is so I don't end up, being a fucking waffle waitress.

I personally do not believe in burning the flag. It's a personal belief, but I'll tell you something, I think people are overreacting, oh, just a little bit. "Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag." Well, I bought mine. Sorry. You know they sell them at K-Mart for three bucks, you're in, you're out, brand new flag, no violence was necessary. "Hey buddy, my daddy died in the Korean war for that flag." What a coincidence - my flag was made in Korea!

I finally got my own show on TV coming out this fall as a replacement series. Don't worry, it's not a talk show. Thank God! It's a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled 'Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus' I think it's fairly self-explanatory: Each week we let the Hounds of Hell loose and chase that jar-head, no-talent, cracker idiot all over the globe 'til I finally catch that fruity little pony tail of his, pull him to his Chippendale knees, and put a shot gun in his mouth like a big black cock of death -- Pow! Then we'll be back in '94 with 'Let's Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton.' And we're kicking the whole series off with our M.C. Hammer/Vanilla Ice/Marky Mark Christmas Special.